icklelozza

2006-12-03T14:37:00.000Z

I went to church in Oxford this morning and wasn't expecting what I found there. A guy preached about the reformation that is taking place in the church. The restoration of the ministry of Jesus to the life of the church and more that is coming to the church. He talked about the Reformation of 500 years ago. He mentioned the martyrs in Oxford who cried out "Let our lives have lit a candle for the gospel that will burn like a fire and never go out" as they were literally burnt at the stake in that place. He talked about the fact that there blood cries out from the generations as another reformation takes place in this nation and calls to wholehearted devotion to the One that is. He talked about how we live actually in the place of reformation, literally, this is where much of it took place then and where the Lord is restoring now. Its now, it is so now.

And I sat there and felt the heavens shifting. I felt the purpose and destiny over the church in this nation as hundreds cried out to God saying they were hungry and desperate for him to come in power as they realised their words meant nothing without power. I move to London today to begin the next stage of the journey and it is no coincidence that I heard what I heard this morning. The Lord wanted me to know loud and clear the context in which I am going. All of heaven goes with me. My mind cannot even fathom what he is going to do here. I feel it, my spirit knows it but for now I trust cos I don't think I could handle it if I could see it. My spirit is all over the place, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Kingdom of heaven come. Just come. Please come.

2006-11-21T00:59:00.000Z

Sometimes its all about being real....infact most of the time actually. I have been challenged this week as it seems like in every conversation I have had I have either been blessed by others being real about where they struggle or I know I have been of help to those around me by being open with them.

Why do we hide? Why do I unconciously seek to downplay my weakness even when I don't realise it? Why am I surprised that I find it the most refreshing when those I love and respect are real with me and yet so often I fail to be the same with them. I am learning to celebrate my weakness, not to glorify it but to glorify Him who turns it around and shows who He is through it.

And I am learning to pray "Bring on the weakness, bring on the feelings of being at the end of my rope, bring on the impossible situations" so He has room to move, so He can be all things to me instead of the inevitable self reliance that comes in the comfort zone. And I realise I have to live in that place and I find myself living there more and more as I step out in this journey. And fo that place I am grateful because it is there that I am alive in Him and I know what I was created for.

Once again I am not sure what this week holds, the amount of stuff going on right now is too much to hold in my wee hands so I think I will just give it over to the hands that are infinetly bigger than mine.

2006-11-13T23:48:00.000Z

I feel frustrated.

I went to London and onthe train I read mahesh Chavda's book, "Only love can make a miracle" and I nearly began to cry on the way home. A cry rose up inside of me from deep inside, a cry that longs for me to be doing what I was created to do inthe place I am called to do it. I get home and find out that there has been a problem with the mortgage for the flat. I feel that there is definately a war over this, hell does not want me to move. And yet I have total peace, Jesus has already won and his plans and his purposes will be worked out I am just battle weary and have found the best solution is just to position myself so that He can do the fighting. There are a lot of unknowns right now and that is ok cos I know he knows, I have just stopped even attempting to work it out.

I also met a guy called martin tonight. He had just knicked two cans of cider from Tescos and was sat on the side of the street with his life in a bag, wasted. I chatted for a while. I asked him what had brought him to London, he said a train (that was quite funny!) He was not keen to divulge much but yet was desperate to chat, to someone, anyone. I looked into his drunken eyes and saw layers upon layers of hurt, pain and disappointment and yet a glimmer of hope. We finished chatting and I left with a barage of questions buzzing round my spirit and my brain.

Sometimes I realise that I don't have a clue how to do any of this. You just come face to face with your helplessness before God and once again relaise that unless He comes the whole thing is pointless. I genuinely cannot love unless he shows me how. I have to have his mind, his heart, his hands and his feet. He has to come, I don't even know how to pray. I am deeply and 100% reliant on him transforming me into his likeness for any of this to make sense. A while ago he told me that the vision wasn't mine it was His. It totally is. It has to be cos he really is the only one who can accomplish it while I lay down.
And to think that I had any part in it at all..........thankfully I was wrong.

2006-11-12T23:40:00.000Z

The latest and most exciting news is..... I have purchased a flat in London!!!! Stuff is still going through like the mortgage etc but its pretty much official, its amazing. I am so excited I am not sure where to put myself.

That was Friday that the whole flat thing happened, I have just returned from Southampton where I caught up with some amazing peeps and realise how much I miss church family there. I did nearly kill Miche and Joe with my driving, there truly is a special measure of protection and grace on my car. Only I could not see a "No entry" sign, go through it and then nearly hit a Vauxhall Corsa, amazing, haha!

Not sure what this week holds......

2006-11-06T22:55:00.000Z

Simon Zhao.

Probably not a name anyone would have heard of. Last night I read his story and I have to share it, it wrecked me.
Simon Zhao got saved in China and during a prayer meeting one night the Lord gave him a vision. He placed his hands over a map of China and the Lord focused his prayers on the Northwest region of China and the regions beyond, into the surrounding nations. He met other Christians who had received the same vision and he led a group of fervent believers left their homes to travel to the northern region of China and the surrounding states. For much of the way they were on foot, but there were some areas they were unable to walk such as the desert so they travelled on a horseback and camelback heading towards the northwest border with the Soviet Union. On the way they won many soldiers to Christ as it was a troubled time in China's history with civil war and internal chaos.

Within two weeks of their arrival every single member of the team was sentenced to prison, Simon Zhao was the only one to see out his sentence alive. His wife was pregnant at the time, she and her unborn child died in prison in 1959 and he only found out in 1973. Simon Zhao spent the next 31 years in prison. For years Simon secretly witnessed to some of his fellow prisoners and some believed. He was beaten and tortured day after day night after night. The seed of the "back to jerusalem" vision the Lord had given him died and went underground.

Simon later recalled how, during those harsh years, he would look up to the stars and remember the vision God had given him to take the gospel by foot all the way back to Jerusalem. In the early years of his imprisonment when the guards and prisoners weren't watching, Simon often prayed, "Lord Ii will never go back to jerusalem but I pray you will raise up a whole generation of chinese believers who will complete the vision." Over time Simon Zhao lost the fire and passion for the vision but he never denied the Lord Jesus who had given him that vision. During the long years behind bars he wrote this poem:
"I want to experience the same pain and suffering
Of Jesus on the cross.
The spear in his side, the pain in his heart
I'd rather feel the pain of shackles on my feet
Than ride through Egypt on Pharoahs chariot."

In 1981 he was released. Nobody in the whole of China was waiting for him when he walked into freedom. Everyone he had known 31 years early had either died or forgotten about him. He made a hut outside the gates of the labor camp and he would often wonder about the call the Lord had given him as a young man. He had tried to faithfully obey God but it had not worked out. For months he remained there, silent except for hhis daily prayers of thanksgiving to the King of Kings who had proved so faithful and never forsaken him during all those painful years. Without Jesus Christ, Simon knew he would have died a thousand deaths.

Local Christians made contact with Simon and his story spread from church to church all over China about the miracle man who had been suatained by God for 31 years in prison. A group of house church leaders heard his story and headed across China to meet with him. They wanted to publish his story in the magazine of the underground church. He refused and said " I don't want any attention to be focused on me." Eventually they persuaded Simon to return to eastern china to share the vision the Lord had given him with the house churches in the midst of reveival.
They had no money to buy him a seat on the 4 day train ride to eastern china, he just found a spot on the floor and curled up on a newspaper.

He ministered in the churches in Henan and lit a fire in the heart of everyone around him. For many house church leaders the Back to Jerusalem vision became very clear and God placed on them a heavy burden to see this vision fulfilled.

Simon Zhao went to be with the Lord in December 2001. He was 83 and he died amongst Christians who loved him. His life was a remarkable one. His life began with a dream from the Lord and before it came to fulfilment his vision was put to the ground where it died while he unjustly suffered at the hands of his captors, remembered by noone but God.
However, unbeknown to him , the Lord was sowing the same vision amongst many Christians in China. After his release Gos graciously granted him another 20 years of ministry. Before he died he realised that "God's gifts and his calling are irrevocable." (Rom. 11 v 29)

Simon Zhao learnt that the Lord always finishes what he starts and is always faithful to fulfil all his promises.

2006-10-31T23:23:00.000Z

It's official, I'm moving.

I woke up the other morning and Holy Spirit whispered "It's time." And I knew it. Long story short I have a new job, a new car and possibly a new apartment in the space of 24 hours. When Popa says "Move" he sure means it!

I finally get to move to London, to walk straight into Popa's promises. Its a new day.

Will keep you posted.

2006-10-26T10:23:00.000Z

The preciousness is in the waiting........

This is what Holy Spirit said last night after I realised I truly am in a waiting season. I pondered this for a while and let the truth of it sink in. I realised that the waiting makes the arrival of the promise even more beautiful. But also the waiting process itself can actually be really amzing. You ssee when the promise arrives you rarely think about the waiting season so to draw all thats great from this time you have to realise its preciousness now. Then I looked up "waiting" in the Bible and realised pretty sharpish that the promises for those who wait are immense over and over again all through out scripture.

I also realised that waiting is not just a precursor to the promise that you know is coming, its a specific season that Popa wants to bless you in as much as the arrival of the promise itself. This time next week my life could be flung into transition and then I will never have this time again in quite the same way. There is a simple trust I am learning that can only be learned in these circumstances right now. Precious.

On a side note, am slightly behind in marathon training but only a week, am stepping up the pace now, back to the grindstone!

2006-10-21T00:15:00.000Z

I put Priscilla on her plane to Africa yesterday after the craziest few days, it all felt like a bit of a whirlwind but an awesome one. Herrnhut was ridiculous, the most serene heavenly place I think I have ever been, there was definately something other worldly about it. The whole trip ended up being very funny, Ikea Berlin will never be the same, haha.

Today it has been good to catch up with myself and Holy Spirit. I realised that I felt a big gaping friend shaped hole after Priscilla left and felt loneliness creeping in. It was one of those times when you realise just how much you value the people in your life who have the same DNA as you and what a breath of fresh air that is and how much I miss that. I found myself seriously asking Holy Spirit why I am where I am right now and I realised that actually He has me standing pretty much on my own right now cos He wants to be my best friend, infact he has to be. And he knows full well that when I have other people around I don't need him as much. I relaised the level to which he is training me in full and complete dependance on Him. And there is a sweetness in that. He is my everything, I want him above all else and he fulfils me in a way that no one ever could.

At the same time I feel this cry deep inside of me that I haven't experienced before. Its this deep insatiable hunger as I become less and less impressed by what all around me offers and nothing but his heart, his sweet prescence will do. Its almost like a restlessness too. I know something deep down is shifting, I am going to a new place in Him, somewhere I haven't been before and its kind of scary and unknown but I want it more than anything.

I went to church tonight and got more fried than I have ever been in a long time. Sometimes its just good to drink..... alot and let Popa pour out more than you can take to the point that you think you are going to die if he gives you anymore!

I love Him, he is the reason I breathe. He continues to surprise me at every turn.

(The photo: through the trees is the Moraviam graveyard where Zinzendorf is buried with his wife and in the distance lies the village of Herrnhut and you can see Zinzendorf's church in the background. This is where the Moravian Pentecost happened, the outpouring of Holy Spirit that propelled them into the biggest missions movement since Acts, nice!)

2006-10-14T23:01:00.000Z

I am definately in a season of learning to get over myself!!!
There is no other way to describe it. I found out on Thursday that I have a job interview for the job that I really want and I really wasn't that excited. Its the job that will propel me into London and the vision and everything that that means but I really wasn't that excited and it kind of disturbed me as to why not. I pondered it for a while and was getting slightly stressed about why I wasn't excited. Me and Priscilla were talking about some of this tonight and realised that really it comes down to the fact that its because I find myself in the position where I don't really want any of this stuff anymore, I just want him. The realisation that none of the promises, the vision, the destiny is going to fulfil me. I just want to be with him, not even to talk to him necessarily, just be with him.

And at the same time I am learning in the amazing words of Jack Gormley to "Chill right out". That perspective is everything. You see his top priority for me right now is to enjoy him. Just that. He is not worried about the next few weeks so neither should I be. He is just concerned that he gets to be with the ones that he loves. Thats it. That is his top priority and always will be.

2006-10-13T21:21:00.000Z

Joy.....

This evening I got serious download bout the purpose of joy. I remembered something that someone had said last summer which had changed a mindset forever,

"If its not fun its probably not God".

Tonight I got that for the first time in its fullness. You see i realised that it was "for the joy set before him that Jesus endured the cross." It was the joy in the midst of the pain that propelled him and enabled him to take the world's sin upon him. Yes there are times where we suffer, and its almost like the Lord creates those circumstances to purify our lives. But when its the Lord doing that there is a sweet, slightly bizarre, precious joy in the midst of the pain. ("Consider it pure joy my brothers....") And in those circumstances its the joy that propels us to persevere, it provides us withthe strength to endure in the midst.

At the same time, i realised that in the midst of this radical life we are sometimes at risk of forgetting to live. That we were created to enjoy him. That is the reason we were put on this planet, just to enjoy him. To receive the love that he has and benefit from the joy that that produces. In short, that we not be so busy dying that we forget to live. For it is the joy that marks us apart from this world. It is the joy that breaks the yoke. It is the joy that the world is attracted to. Our freedom expressed in joy.

So where is my joy? Am I experiencing joy in the midst of suffering? If I am suffering and there is no joy present, then i seek the Lords rescue because his goodness is in everything he does and his goodness is not in that.

Do I allow myself to live? Truly live according to the goodness that the Lord wants to lavish on me? And to receive the fruit of that which is joy? Do I believe that he just wants to bless me because he just wants to bless me and does this influence my choices?

And I realise that I have nothing to offer this world unless I am walking in love induced joy that expresses and communictaes the freedom bought for me at such a high price. It is this that we have to give away but we have to receive it first......

2006-10-09T19:16:00.000Z

I think it is time that the blog community know that I, Laura, am applying to run the London Marathon in April of next year. Unexpected I know! It all came about quite unexpectedly and just made total sense. I have always wanted to do it since I was really little and partly cos of all the voices that say I can't, well watch, Laura has put her mind to it, haha!

Training has officially begun, Esty is my on call physio, Lolli any advice you can offer would be beautiful. Its taken me a while to go public cos I had to seriously and realistically consider the options and what this means, its a major life decision!

I am applying to run in aid of Christian Aid or Farm Africa so will keep you posted as to the final call on that. I'm excited, really excited. I got my "Beginners guide" pack through the other day, VERY EXCITING.......will give training updates every now and then.

2006-09-29T21:43:00.000Z

Sometimes everythiing can change in just a couple of hours. You find yourself on one track and then without even realising or knowing how you got there you find yourself somewhere completely different. You suddenly in an instant find yourself staring change in the face.

And its good, and its exciting and its necessary and you wouldn't want it any other way. But there are times where it feels like a deeper reality kicks in almost like a heavenly reality, something your spirit knows but your eyes can't yet see.
And its a weird emotion. Its a grieving for what you are leaaving behind but at the same time an eager expectation for what is ahead. But it is sobering too, cos you realise what a lot of it means. And also because its that place of letting go of the old but you haven't quite yet walked into the fullness of what is to come. You can see it, you can smell it. you can almost touch it but you haven't quite stepped into it yet.

I don't know what just happened. I sat down to watch a film and I didn't move off my sofa for two hours but I walked away in a completely different place to when I had begun.....

Your will be done Popa, your kingdom come, Let it be as you have said, just as you have said.

2006-09-28T20:23:00.000Z

Hope.

This is not something I have really focused on or really understood, at all. We talk about faith alot and love alot but hope actially comes in the "big 3" as laid out by Paul in 1 Corinthians.

Its kind of come to my attention recently cos I got a deposit of it this week and I have realised it is actually a tangible substance in the way that love is. You can feel hope, you can touch it, you can feel when Popa is giving it to you and I have decided that one of hope's main functions is to change your perspective. You see when you have hope, I am discovering, you are seated not on this planet, you are seated where you can see your circumstances from heaven's perspective. Hope takes you from where you are now, sits you way above your circumstances and is a key ingredient to faith. Without hope it is impossible to have faith, I think anyway.

And..... "Love hopes all things". Hope is found in love. Love breathes hope and hope faith but the foundation as Paul points out is love.

I think hope could be a gift in the way faith is (I'm open to be challendged on this, I'm woking this through as I write!). I don't think you can conjure up hope in yourself, its a divine initiative.

I was running tonight and I asked Holy Spirit to tell me about hope. He said "Hope is living with my promises continually in your eyeline." I was like thats good. That is when I realised hope is all about focus, and I thought what am I focused on? The things Popa has spoken to me, which are as real as my circumstances, actually more real cos he speaks and then creates, or the inferior reality that is my everyday.

I am in danger of going off on one. All I know is that now I have this new hope, faith can operate in a whole new measure and it all comes from the greater revelation of my Popa's love.

2006-09-21T21:12:00.000Z

What is radical?

This is question I have been asking myself and Holy Spirit over the last week. You see, for most of the past year I would consider that I had been chasing after this elusive concept, or what I deemed to be radical, and it some ways it was.

But Holy Spirit has been showing me that big visions, big destinies, big prophetic words they are all awesome as long as they don't lead to an over inflated sense of who you are and into the thinking that because you have received these words, visions, experiences you have are already half way there.

However, recently Holy Spirit has been redefining radical for me. He said to me this week, "Laura, if you can't be gracious to your mum, I can't give you a city." There is a place where as the vision begins to become a reality and manifest in the natural there is a place where it ceases to be this spiritual ideal and you find yourself walking in it, but unlike in the vision your flesh kind of can get in the way. Basically its at this point that the rubber hits the road. Can I love the one in front of me there? I sometimes bandy "stopping for the one" around like it is some kind of catch phrase. I realise I am coming into a place where my soul has to meet my spirit in walking out this vision. There, is where all of this meets reality. Where we no longer are just talking about it but living it. I found myself truly asking holy spirit today what the fragrance of Jesus looks like when a paranoid schizophrenic is throwing his shoes at me! And to be honest I was scared, I was really scared.

But it is right there that I realise what my faith really means. Its there that I realise how much or not I have learnt to love. And I realise I am crying out for a city but am I crying out for Malcolm who serves me soup and a roll everyday. Am I loving him? Am I gracious and kind to the people that I live with when I'm grumpy in the morning?

I am beginning to realise that the dreams, the visions and the prophetic words, they are really necessary, because they propel me into the reality of those things made manifest. But he will give me a city when I have learnt to love in the small....

....but then is this really that small?

2006-09-17T19:40:00.000Z

Feels like long time no blog, its probably not there is just a lot happening in between right now I can't keep up.

The job hunt in London continues and last week I found a job advertised for a learning and behaviour mentor in an innercity school. What this basically is is working with the most difficult kids who bunk school more often than they are there and are about to be kicked out. The kids noone believes in, noone knows what to do with, everyone has given up on them including themselves. This wasn't the type of job I was looking for but something about it made me stop, something was stirring. They were offering quite good money and at the time I thought, "Maybe that is danger money!" Anyways I was at a friends wedding this weekend in a beautiful 12th century abbey, truly amazing, shakespeare on the lawn and candlelit, oh my gosh, nearly melted down at the beautifulness.... I ended up meeting this guy who knows the school that was advertising. It turns out it is rated the worst school in London, failed all its inspections and my assumption about danger money was about right.

I walked away from the conversation despondent. All the voices of wisdom around me said "Be careful you don't get burnt out", "Are you sure you want to work there of all places?" I too agreed with them. I sneaked away from the wedding crowds and went and sat in the chapel, thinking "God if this is not it then what is?" I looked at my situation and felt deflated and visionless. I looked at the building I was sat in that had been a place of worship for 800 years and suddenly realised i was crying out to the everlasting God. The God of the ages. The God who has proved himself faithful to generation to generation. I fought back the tears of disillusionment and said, "Ok I don't have a clue what this looks like, what you require of me right now, how you are going to do this but I know, and you have to be enough right now. Right now in this second you are enough." I left feeling broken and disheartened but choosing to trust in my Popa's ability to keep me.

This morning I went to an awesome church and something the worship leader said brought clarity, perspective and turned everything I was feeling on its head. She simply said, "True worship comes out of brokenness". I was wrecked. There is something so beautiful about offering a praise offering when you have nothing to give except the core of who you are, the bare bones, but give it you do and wholeheartedly cos there isn't anything else to give. And as I did that he breathed life into my weary heart and ministered to the innermost parts. A guy from Mumbai in India got up and talked about how his family live with the constant threat of being beaten up, the price they pay for being the fragrance of Jesus in their community. He said it costs when you serve and choose to invest in the broken in your community.

Suddenly I got it. There is enough love for the kids in the school and the poor in the east end. I was worried if I loved the kids in the school I wouldn't have anything left for the ones I am moving there to serve. I realised that if i was called to both there would be a double portion and more. That my God of abundance would pour out and more on His beloved infront of me. No lack, no lack.

Once again it doesn't look like what I thought but I'm beginning to realise when does it?! I know that the job I have will be another lesson in learning how to love the broken till it hurts.

I count it a privelege. How can I ask to be poured out like a drink offering and then get offended when he takes me up on it? Popa, today I say "Yes".

2006-09-10T11:42:00.000Z

An amazing friend of mine wrote me an email last night about the impending visit of the president of Iran to the UN to address the General Assembly. There is a planned demonstartion of Chistians and Jews outside the UN when he comes to make a stand about the UN's acceptance of this dictators' policy. I totally believe in making your voice heard and stand with Israel, the jews and christians who wil be demonstarting on the 20th. However, my beautiful friend wrote this and it expresses my heart completely.....

but there has got to
be a better way Laura. I know there is...

A better way to love,
A better way to carry on international relations
A better diplomacy
A better paradigm
A better course of action
We need the Lord---LIKE WOAH

JESUSSSSSSSSS COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME
keep the love flowing like electiric currents through laura when she
says islamic martyrs, keep the love flowing from heaven. Because
Laura, love and humility are the to heavenly things that have the
power to change the world. SELFLESS DIPLOMACY. SELFLESS, SELFLESS,
SELFLESS. And it doesn't look like our boxed understanding of
selflessness. It is the way that Jesus was selfless. It was being
real and raw, it was him LOVING, it was him being RIGHTEOUSLY angry,
it was asking the PHARISEES the hard questions, it was was running to
the wilderness when the world made ZERO sense and finding a good
wrestling match with God in prayer or maybe just a place of rest, it
was SONSHIP, servanthood and KINGSHIP in the most unlikely of places.
It was Death and Ressurection life. Jesus understood who he was and
walked in it.

If we have love and no action, we are timid
If we have action and no love, we are proud.
ACTING OUT OF LOVE. The incomprehensible ability to love
and to honestly care and the knowledge and full understanding of the
action to make the intangible, tangible.

AMEN. God please. Annoint your children when we go.... and we will go to the ends of the earth.

2006-09-06T17:51:00.000Z

Today proved to me that the ordinary, when lived with holy spirit is exceptional and should be no other way. God actually transforms us the most in the most ordinary and that is partly why I love Him so much.

I was listening to Bill Johnson talk about peter walking on the water the other day. he said that Peter responded not to that which he saw, because it clearly states that al the disciples thought that Jesus was a ghost, but to what he heard. He heard the voice that said "Come!" The Voice made something come alive in Him. He knew the Voice and he trusted it and he stepped out onto the water.

Every time jesus speaks, something coms alive in you. Today Holy Spirit spoke to me and another bit of laura came alive. He renewed my mind as I was walking through the shopping centre. He said, "Let the words I speak to you make you come alive inside. Laura when you believe you become alive and you feel alive because you were created to believe."

He then said, and this set me free as he said it, "When you do what you were created to do, you become the full expression of who you are. There is no aspect of denying part of who you are in order to fulfil your call. You can be all that you were created to be in all its fullness in full and total obedience to me. It is only in full and total obedience that you can become the fullness of all that I created you to be."

As he said this I realised I had a distorted picture of my call and who I was to be in that. I realised that I had made self-denial a denial of my full self. In my perception of what it means to "die to self" I had actually been denying who I was created to be. Today I realised that EVERY area of my life is a unique expression of the One who made me and He delights in it all. Not just the bits that are serving the poor, or ministering, or doing. he loves the Laura who walks around book shops for hours just cos she loves doing it and he loves me doing it too. I realised that he actually values the frivolous and fabulous as much as the necessary. That the wall we put up between "secular" and "spiritual" HAS to come down. That whether I am walking around an art gallery or feeding a hungry person, all of it is worship and he delights in it all just the same. I always knew that but today my heart got revelation.

I am realising in a fresh measure who I was created to be. What it means to be child of the most High. I caught a glimose of another facet of my daddy's character.

This has been buzzing around my head all day......
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (quoted by Nelson Mandela)

2006-08-31T22:45:00.000Z

Today....

Today I chilled with Popa in a coffee shop and read ephesians. All I can say is where have I been all my life? Read it. I smiled as one of the staff in the coffee shop remarked to her friend about me, "Is she really reading a bible?" I asked Holy Spirit for a comeback but he told me the fact she had noticed was enough. I then thought that if I had been reading the Qu'ran nothing would have been said. Interesting.

I then saw a couple I haven't seen for about 6 years, they attend the little anglican church that I was raised in. They are in their seventies and they rock. They have a school's puppet ministry which basically means that 2000 children in my area hear the gospel at least once every year. That rocks when Jesus isn't really allowed to be mentioned in schools even at Christmas. They also have a veggie allotment (garden). They just dig their garden and plant their vegetables. Recently they had a guy come up to them asking if he could chat to them. He said "I have just given my life to Jesus in my shed and now I don't know what to do." On Saturday they are holding a harvest festival service for the allotment community, at the community's request, all of whom are non-believers. I just picture them giving an altar call amongst the tomatoes and beetroot. They just live and the fragrance of their lives is beautiful. For them every breath is an opportunity to pull someone out of death. They inspire and humble me.

Then I walked the dogs. I tried to pray as I walked and distinctly felt a holy hush. Heaven is up to something, my spirit knows it. At one point I could distinctly feel the prescence of angels....

Then I came home and my mum dropped her ipod earphones in her pasta sauce.

2006-08-30T00:19:00.000Z

I am beginning to consider impossible situations as a gift as they are just an opportunity for my God of the impossible to work the miraculous. And he reminded me this evening of his promises, one of which I had let fall by the wayside because I had believed but then said "It's too hard, it won't happen and its safer not to believe."

Then he reminded me of Sarah, Abraham's wife. When the Lord told her she was to have a son she laughed becuase the circumstances were even more impossible than when he had first promised her. He gave her the fulfilment of the promise when it was physically impossible and everyone had given up on it being fulfilled.

So as I pondered my promises this evening and the circumstances I now find myself in, I heard Holy Spirit echo the words to me that he first spoke to sarah, "Is anything too hard for God?" For he who has promised is faithful (hebrews 10). And he told me that my faith for the impossible makes room for the miraculous to manifest. Faith moves his heart and his hand.

And in the midst of all of this its almost like the cloud of witnesses is singing this over me,

Don't be afraid baby don't you cry, Daddy's here it will be alright,
You're not alone, you're not alone.
Don't be afraid when ou're cold at night, I will keep you warm I wll hold you tight,
You're nt alone, you're not alone.
Look beyond the window there, to the sky above, to the open air
Look beyond what you can see, close your eyes and just believe.
The lion roars and the lamb lays down,they live together in a whole new town.
Calling me and they're calling you, from the cold hard facts that we're on our own,
To the age old truth we're not alone.
We're not alone.
We're not alone.
Don't be afraid when you scrape your knee,I've got a band aid waiting and a kiss for free,
You're not alone. You're not alone.
Don't be afraid when the blind believe, cos the more you fly the more you'll see.
You're not alone. You're not alone.
Don't be afraid little warrior bride, for victory is on the other side.
You're not alone. You're not alone.
Don't be afraid little warrior bride, victory is on the other side.
You're not alone. You're not alone.

All of heaven is with me. All of heaven, and it shall be on earth as it is there. And I will believe for the promises because my God does not lie, HE IS TRUTH......

2006-08-27T20:35:00.000Z

I'm at my fourth airport in 12 hours after having no sleep last night,missing one flight connection, nearly losing my luggage and awaiting a 7 hour flight. Not a recipe for delightful Laura, although Jesus fixed my WiFi and suddenly the world is a better place.

Lots to say and to process as my life shifts gears again. Once againI find myself stepping into the unknown trusting in Pops's ability to catch me. But this time I go knowing I have a family. The most amazing gift Popa has given me is friends and spiritual Mums and Dads who "get" me and believe in who I am in Him more than I do. Knowing that others believe in you propels you forward when you feel like you can't take another step.

So I don't know what the next few months hold but I know there are many standing with me, holding up my arms and cheering me on. And right now I know I need that more than ever.

Friends Thank you. Thank you from the depths of my being. Thank you for pouring into my life in ways I could never have dreamed, for being radicals who just want to shake this crazy world, nothing more, nothing less, and shake it you will. I love you all.

Here's to the journey......

2006-08-25T07:44:00.000Z

Let me speak your fragrance wherever I go.
Flood my soul with your Spirit and life.
Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly that my life may only be a radiance of yours.
Shine through me and be so in me that every soul I come into contact with may feel your presecence in my soul.
Let them look up, and see no longer me,
but only Jesus.
Stay with me and then I will begin to shine as you shine, so to shine as to be a light to others.
The light, O Jesus will be all from you;
none of it will be mine.
It will be you, shining on others through me.
Let me thus praise you in the way that you love best, by shining on those around me.
Let me preach you without preaching, not by words but by example,
by the catching force,
the sympathetic influence of what I do,
the evident fullness of the love my heart bears for you.
Amen

(Cardinal Newman)

I'm contending for this. Just this. Nothing else.

2006-08-10T05:32:00.000Z

The sovereignty is ridiculous. I am suddenly flung into heaven's timetable and not mine, just going with what the Spirit is telling me to do, straying till he says go, moving when he says move. A little while ago I wrote that my life was going to change in a day, well it has. Everything looks completely different to how it did last week and it will continue to change at such a pace.

Because heaven is moving. Seriously. And I can't keep up but I love it and I never want it to stop.

There are times when heaven takes over and your realise that none of this is down to you, you are just a tool in a grand, intricate plan that is being worked out totally outside of you and you just have to cooperate.

This is living. Leaning into Holy Spirit and going where the wind goes, where the Spirit breathes and leads you into divine encounter and the most unexpected of scenarios.

Bring it on, I want more, I need more, I have to have more. Will let you know how the plan unfolds......

2006-07-26T02:35:00.000Z

Tonight I went to a meeting of The American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) where Dr. Yossi Olmert was speaking about the situation in the middle east. Yossi is the Isreali Prime Minister's brother. I sat in a synagogue in Detroit amongst a predominantly jewish audience and listened to the Isreali perspective on Lebanon, Syria and Iran.

Suddenlt the reality of the situation in the middle east hit a whole new level. As the tension between the Israeli nation and the countries that are seeking to wipe it "off the face of the earth" was described and explained from a jewish perspective, my spirit screamed and ached at the same time.

I love the Israelis, I love the Jewish people. I want to reclaim much of jewish culture for the church that I feel we should be living and embracing as the culture the Lord designed for us, especially practising Shabbat in the real deal way.

I love the children of Hagar and Katura too and I would give my life that they might know the One that is.

I agreed with everything Yossi said. He is very articulate and has an understanding of the issues like noone else I have previously engaged with. However, from his jewish perspective, understandably, every member of Hamas and Hizballah should be killed.

The spiritual head to head that is the situation in the middle east is almost overwhelming and consuming. I feel frustrated in even trying to write about it, I don't even know how I feel about it all. Alll I know is that tonight i caught a glimpse of how Popa feels. His heart is ripped in two. I feel a hint of the grief that he feels and I, in my humaness feel helpless and desperate. Yet something must be done. Christians have sat in apathy and ignorance n this issue for too long. This is breaking Daddy's heart so it must break ours. My heart must be broken unto action.

2006-07-15T04:38:00.000Z

Pretty soon my life is going to change completely and Holy Spirit is going to do it in a day. Wait and see.....

2006-07-14T04:02:00.000Z

Crazy....

So tonight I am sat at yet another conference and I am sat wondering why Jesus has me there and feeling generally quite disaffected. I'm sat there during the worship just wanting Daddy to remind me that he is good, that he does move on his promises, that he does hear me. The offering comes round and the Lord gives me a specific figure to give, it was an unusual figure and I was quite surprised but I just did it anyway and thought nothing of it. About an hour later I am sat at the back feeling even more disaffected and really trying not to, when this lady comes up to me holding her cheque book. She sits down next to me and asks me to write my name on the cheque. I do and she writes out an amount, folds the cheque over and gives it to me and says "This is a gift from Daddy.".

I waited till she had gone back to her seat to see what the amount was. The amount was exactly what the Lord had asked me to put in the offering. Weird. I kind of figured Holy Spirit was trying to tell me something. I went and sat in the toilet and was like "Holy Spirit, what was that about?" and his reply was, "Laura, everything you give to me I give back to you."

I sat and freaked out. In the last couple of weeks he has had me give away everything to him, everything that defines me, everything that I value most and the promises over my life. And then in the siimplest, most profound way he reminds me of his goodness. That he hasn't forgotten me, he knows exactly what he is doing, he is in complete control (more than I think he is most of the time) and he will have his way in my life.

Once again HE IS FAITHFUL.

2006-07-10T14:35:00.000Z

I have just returned from 3 days in Washington. Before I left I was really intrigued about what Holy Spirit had for me there.

We went to the Lincoln Memorial and I stood at the top of the steps and imagined being Martin Luther King Jr giving his famous speech, knowing that it was probably his death sentence, yet he believed in justice and freedom more than he feared death. We then walked around the war memorials. As I walked past the thousands of names that told of a life that died in the Vietnam war, I thought about the fact that each one was prepeared to die for a political agenda, a flawed government, unsure as to whether they would succeed. And I thought about the war that I have been enlisted into. Its longer, its a large part unseen, yet I get to fight for the only righteous government and I know we win in the end no matter what the personal cost.

Then Daddy gave me a gift just from him. I got to go round the National gallery and I got wasted infront of a Mark Rothko painting. I saw my first Jackson Pollock original that rocked my world. And I remembered that I had been wired for creativity, that it is a massive part of me I just don't get to indulge it too often. And I walk around looking at amazing expression of the creator ans was reminded of another awesome characteristic of my Popa.

And then Holy Spirit told me what my destiny is. My destiny is to love. Prophetic words are awesome and I love heavenly revelation but yesterday Holy Spirit told me in no uncertain terms that my life will be summed up by two things: that these are the reasons I live and breathe and it is for this that my life be consumed: To love Him with everything I am and to love the one infront of me. That is my destiny. Its all that matters becuase that is HIM and he is all I want.

And I don't really know where Daddy is taking me right now, what he has for me or who I am becoming but he reminded me this morning that ALL his paths are steadfast love and faithfulness and for now I think thats enough.

2006-07-02T04:27:00.000Z

"When the Spirit of God descends upon a man and overshadows him with the fullness of his outpouring, then his soul overflows with a joy not to be described for the Holy Spirit turns to joy whatever he touches. The Kingdom of Heaven is peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
Acquire inward peace and thousands around you will find their salvation."
(St Seraphim of Sarov)

I don't know peace to that degree yet but Holy Spirit is definately taking me there.
Yeaterday He showed me that my destiny in Him had become more important to me than Him. That the wrestling, the battle of the wills that had been taking place in my life had come down to this. He asked me, "If you never have the destiny, if you never see the world changed, the dead raised or the blind see, would you still want Me? Am I enough?"

In the evening, I quietly said to Holy Spirit that the fight was over because my whole being cries out for him, every ounce of my mind, spirit and soul cry out for him. I gave him the destiny and told him to take it, all of it cos he is my enough, just his prescence.

And then I saw. He unveiled my eyes to see my lover and my king. And suddenly I saw that he wants me, just me, for no other reason than he just wants me. That he didn't save me so I could fulfil a destiny and a calling a nd a purpose. He saved me cos he wanted me. And I ravish his heart, and he loves me with an everlasting love. And the past nine years of knowing him have just been overtures of love from my fathers heart. That the day that Holy Spirit overshadowed me in a dead Anglican church he hasn't stopped pouring out his desire and love toward me.

And suddenly everything is ok, and everything is different. I could be a road sweeper for the rest of my life and that really would make me the happiest person alive if it meant I had all of him. Just him. Nothing else. Not the annointing, the gifting, just him.

I have never felt so secure in my entire life. The bridegroom wants me. He desires me. And he is enough, for all time, always. So whatever happens, whatever everything looks like, or doesn't look like, its ok, because the lover of my soul desires me deeply and he will never leave me alone, he loves me.

2006-06-20T21:21:00.000Z

Its been ages since I last blogged and already my life looks a million times different to two weeks ago so I am not quite sure where to start.

A little while ago Holy Spirit told me that my life would look completely unrecognisable in 6 months time and in my humaness I assumed that thst meant in the natural. What I am realising is that he did mean that but he also meant that he is transforming me from the inside out.

Last week I was in a toilet with two random girls I had just met and we started chatting and then Holy Spirit showed up. He started speaking to me about purity, about how he wants a pure bride, how we can only love the way he does when we have his purity, that the pure in heart get to see God, that there are levels in him that can only be accessed by those who have been purified. So I went and asked him what purity looks like. And he showed me a fire, and he showed me inside the fire and he told me that if I ever want to carry the fire of hhis love I have to become the fire and nothing impure can remain without being burnt up.

So that is where I am right now, slap bang in the middle of the fire. Its painful, its made me more hungry than I have ever been in my life for him and him alone, its uncomfortable and most of the time I want to get out, and most of the time it is only the fact that I have nowhere to run that keeps me there. But at the same time, there is a cry, a longing, deep inside that says " I must have this, I must have it." If I am ever going to be able to carry his prescence and his love into the dark places I have to be a pure vessell.

And I have to keep saying yes.
I made my vows no turning round, I burned my bridges they can't be found, No matter what it looks like, whatever it feels like, I am yours.

2006-06-05T23:47:00.000Z

I can't stop seeing.

Ever since friday, the most ridiculous day ever, I can't stop seeing. Seeing the one in front of me. Every individual jesus puts in my path I just want to love right into his arms. Its like I just can't help it. I'm not sure what to do with it except keep loving, keep seeing. Its what I have been crying out for for months, since Mozambique. And Holy Spirit takes me to the UN and deposits something that I know has changed me forever.

2006-06-03T03:40:00.000Z

Today.............

Today Mallory and I went to the United Nations headquarters in New York. We were shown round. We sat in the Security Council meeting room, we considered the potential for overwhelming good that can come out of that place, we were rocked by Holy Spirit, we saw man's capacity for harm to other human beings, we questioned the effectiveness of world systems in a world that is far more complex than mere flesh and blood.
We pondered these things as Laura Bush discussed the global pandemic that is AIDS and we discussed the potential of one human being to affect nations.

We left the building and crossed over the road where unwittingly we walked into a divine appointment. Opposite the UN is a church centre. We went in to look at a glass window. It turned out that we had just walked into a summit meeting of church leaders discussing how the church can connect with the real world over the issues of AIDS. We entered into discussion with the Archbishop of South Africa. Afterwards, a jewish guy who contracted AIDS 18 years ago got up and said, "This is a place of miracles." He proceeded to lay out how we all have a choice. We can all choose to see the individual. We can all choose to see the one infront of us who is hurting and broken and embrace them. But the fact is is that its a choice. Will we choose to open our eyes. When jesus healed the leper, he touched the leper, in doing so he became one. We need to do the same.

Words cannot fully express what happened today. I don't think I even know fully. Something was deposited deep inside of me. Right now I struggle to believe for nations but today I saw the power of seeing the one and t is that that will transform the multitudes.

2006-05-18T21:36:00.000Z

Last night I was reflecting on the past year as I realised that the day I fly to New York will be exactly a year since I started class at Holy Given In Pemba. I read this in my journal from Africa last year and I realised that when you get deeper into Popa's heart it always leads you to the poor.

11th August 2005
Guy Chevreau taught s about the gift of the poor today, then God showed me it.I stood around in the tent after clas was over watching the craziness of the kids running around while older ones were getting wrecked by Holy Spirit on the grass mats in the dirt. As I stood there I felt Holy Spirit say "Remember this." I atempted to take a snapshot with my memory. And I felt something in my spirit begin to break. I started to cry and I had my arms around a little boys shoulders. I went and lay face down in the dirt and began to sob. Then I felt a hand on my back. It was the lttle boy from the street I had been holding on to. He knelt down in the dirt and began to pour out heaven all over me. I sat up and knelt still weeping. I opened my eyes and looking deep into my soul was a little girl of no more than four. She smiled, her eyes were ablaze, she placed her little fingers on my face and wiped away my tears. Her eyes bore deep into my soul.

I was undone.
* * * * * * * * *
Blessed are the humble poor whose values have not been distorted by the selfishness and materialism which exploits people and resources for they walk in the steps of Jesus.
Blessed are those who have learnt through suffering and loss how to celebrate life, for they shall find their moments filled with joy and hope.
Blessed ae those who through lacking both profession and status live with dignity before God and society, for the day of their reward will come assuredly as the dawn.
Blessed are thse who comit their lives to spreading justice and truth throughout their communities so that all may live with hope, for they shall enjoy the blessings of many friends and joyful memories.
Blessed are those who in their village homes welcome the neighbour and feast the stranger and shelter the squatter despite their poverty, for they shall be welcomed, feasted and sheltered in heaven.
Blessed are the illiterate who are wise in the things of God and the poor who are rich in heavenly treasure, for their vision and experience of God will surpass that of the rich and the educated.
Blessed are those who know that their security does not lie in the ability to defend themselves and annihilate others but in building bridges of peace and understanding, pathways of non-violence and reconciliation, for they are the rue children of the Prince of Peace.
Blessed are those who suffer the blow of exploitation, misunderstanding, humiliation and discrimination, for their stand against the self-interest, acquisitiveness and hunger for power of the majority make them both signs and inheritors of the kingdom.

Today Jesus still dwells with his poor and through them still speaks to the world.
For out of the ranks of the persecuted the prophets still emerge, and the "salt of the earth" are still blessed with heavenly wisdom.
The unencumbered still make the brightest evangelists, the selfless deeds are still recognised by God and man.

These are the lessons of the life of the poor.

2006-05-13T20:25:00.000Z

Skinny Jeans.....

Sometimes its all about buying a pair of skinny jeans. Amazing.

They bring a girl a lot of joy.

2006-05-09T19:57:00.000Z

This is good, really good, I read this on Saturday and its really good for where I am at right now.

"Supernatural provision comes when kingdom authority is exercised in absolute dependance."

I am discovering that when we live on the edge of "irresponsibility" and chase after the unseen reality, heavens storehouses are opened in a way that we would never discover otherwise. In fact God can only be God when this is the case. I am so just getting the truth of what we were created for. We were created to live on the edge of the ridiculous all the time, absolute dependance all the time, where there are no contingency plans or "what ifs" cos we are completely secure in the fact that our Daddy will come through. And he can only come through for us when we live in this place. And I realised for years he couldn't work miracles in my lfe cos I didn't make any room for him to.

So I am believing. I am letting God be God and allowing him to be bigger in my life everyday as I believe him for who he says he is not limited by my unbelief. keep coming Daddy, keep coming, more dependance cos I want to see you as you REALLY ARE.

2006-05-03T23:40:00.000Z

Its nearly 1am and I have to work tomorrow but I can't sleep so I am chilling to Jason Upton in the kitchen.

So I booked my flights today, I'm officially leaving 30th May. And I feel heaven's delight. And I know that the details will be sorted out and I know that its not my job to sort it, and in that is immense freedom. And I feel ready to go. I feel ready to embark on the next bit of the adventure, whatever it looks like. I'm realising that this isn't home anymore. It will always be the place where I grew up and there are people I will miss but my heart cries out for the "more" of God and I know its coming. Show me it all God cos I want to see.

I want to see the secrets in your heart, I want to know the turns that your taking, give us minds to understand your kingdom, its more real than when we first believed. Its more real than when we first believed. Cos our minds are renewed and our hands are cleansed and our eyes can see far better now than then. Just give us the courage to open up our eyes, give us the courage we wnat to see. Give us the courage to open up our ears, we want to hear. With more of you there is less of me but give me the courage to see with your eyes. To see into your kingdom, to see the reality of my heart, open up my eyes I want to see. I want to hear the whisper of your words, the whisper of your comfort. And thats what I signed up, to be changed into your image, give me courage I want to see. There's new places everyday we want to see, and the motives that create division we want to see, the motives, the interests that create division we want to see.....

Cos your taking us higher than we've ever been before, great pure fire, come purify me, your taking us higher than I've ever been before, come Purifier come purify me....
Don't hold nothing back, show us it all.

2006-04-28T22:29:00.000Z

So I ask jesus to teach me to love and I find myself in the biggest test of patience I have experienced in a long while, and then I realise this isn't highly surprising cos "Love is patient..." But in the waiting he is working to break down all my walls. And at the same time I feel more vulnerable than I ever have. Its like he has completely taken control of my heart, I am feeling things I didn't know I could, its inexpressable in many ways.

On a totally different note, I have become a tourist in my own country and am totally learning to apreciate the great thing about England cos i'm not here for much longer.
Some truly great things that we often don't take into account but have come to mind recently....
Stiles on country walks, country walks, the weird cuckoos making the cuckoo sound as the sun rises on spring morning, double decker buses, Blenheim Palace near my house which makes me pretend i am actually Elizabeth in Pride and prejudice, the quirkyness of British people, narrow roads, skinny jeans, Gunwharf Quays, fish and chip shops, Hedges, cricket, the Queen's 80th birthday, the National Portrait Gallery, Wimbledon, fruit and veg markets, cockney accents, buttercups and bluebells, strawberry picking.......

Am off to oxford tomorrow on a date and to take some pictures of the english beautifulness so I don't forget what it looks like.

2006-04-15T23:18:00.000Z

Its totally late and I am ridiculously tired but in need of processing before I have any hope of going to sleep. I once again have had the most bizarre of weeks but it has left me feeling even more that I am riding the crest of a wave that is so beyond my control, the size of which I sometimes think will consume me but just secure in the knowledge that I have no choice but to just let it be. I am so beyond the point of even attemoting to have control over my life and to be honest that is the last thing I would want anyway.

This week jesus has been breaking me out of the boxes of other people's expectations. Not a lot of these boxes remained in me but there was a hardcore remnant that still lef me feeling fearful and ashamed of the call of God on my life and where I am going with it because it's not normal. Its not nine to five, its not being responsible, its not settling down, infact its erratic, irresponsible and in many ways, offensive most of the time. With one wave of his divine love the Lord lifted off the pressure of generational and societal expectations and set me free. Free to be his kid, to be "weird and abnormal" and to follow the lamb wherever he goes.

And he has also been healing me and setting me free to love. Free to love and be loved. Free to believe that he loves me to the core of my being, that he really does just want to pour out blessing upon blessing on me for no other reason than I am his amazing daughter and he paid for it, so it actually offends him when I don't receive it. And he has set me free from fear on the way home in the car tonight. Because while there is still fear we cannot love.

And I am asking the Lord for more. To show me more of what love looks like. Pure, unsentimental love. The type that "loves people away from their satan games", the type that brings pain out into the light and sets peple free. Love that offends the religious and the proud. That insane love that drove one who was perfect to willingly take my junk and overcome the conseqeuences of it forever. I must have this. I must be consumed with this. I must burn with this......

..... for this is my only hope in this life. Its the only thing thats real. Its the only thing that transforms. Its the only thing that wins. And win it does, EVERY TIME.

2006-04-10T21:59:00.000Z

OK. NEVER wear pants that are too small, It ruins your day. Trust me. I know.

2006-04-08T19:36:00.000Z

So last night I am trying to decide what to do today and sift through the various options and then I hear a whisper, an invitation........
Laura, just because I am.
Just because of who I am.
Come just because of who I am,
Come just for me.
Just extravagant affection, extravagant worship.
waste yourself on me, waste your day on me.
i want you, I want you just because you are you, for you.
i just want you.
I don't want the works of your hands.
i just want to be with you,
let me be with you
Just be...... with you.

So I did that (with most of the day anyway). And it felt so good. So good to hang out with the lover of my soul just because. For no reason, just because.....

And was reminded as I came with no agendas, no "can you sort this? what about this,how does this fit in the plan, etc etc, " how much the King of the Universe just wants to be with me, just be....
And I was reminded that he desires me. Just me. Not because of what I can do, not even for my "yes", just me, as I am. And I was lost in him, in the one my heart loves, just because of who he is.

"O daughters of jerusalem, i charge you - if you find my lover, what will you tell him?
Tell him I am faint with love." (song of songs 5)

2006-04-03T14:56:00.000Z

I don't think I have ever been in a position where I feel like I am not where my heart is, except for now. I am back in the UK but actually feel like I have totally left most of me in the States. Its the weirdest feeling in the world. And yet I have fiends and family here that I love but thats not enough. It just confirms to me even more the extent to which Jesus has cut my ties on this earth, I really am planted in heaven and find my home there.

It also makes me realise even more that the best place you can be is with the people that Jesus has broken your heart for.... that you will never be truly happy unless you are loving those he has given you to love and giving your life away for them.

At the same time I am filled with this holy desperation. I possibly am more desperate than I have ever been for my daddy. I MUST HAVE MORE. What I have experienced so far is just not enough, I HAVE TO HAVE MORE, there has to be more. I must be consumed with holy, passionate, fiery love for my King.
Please more Jesus, plese hear the cry of this desperate heart and come and set me ablaze until only your heart and what you desire remains. And give me grace, give me grace to walk in this desperation because right now it feels like it will either consume me or break me.

2006-03-24T05:12:00.000Z

What can be done with a "yes"?
TheLord has been showing me what he can do with my yes. He has shown me that he takes my yes at face value. I say yes to the things that he is speaking into my heart and he takes that yes and weaves it into this soveriegn plan that far exceeds my ability to comprehend and is inconceivably bigger and better than I could ever imagine. He takes my feeble yes and explodes it.
He loves my yes, I'm only beginning to realise how much. And I realise all I have to do is say yes, thats all he requires and he really does delight in doing the rest, and his plans are so good, so good.

And this week I have said yes to his promises to me. I have chosen to believe his promises, trust him for his promises, receive his promises because they are his gift to me. And I have had to say sorry for saying I didn't want them.
But today I believe. I believe because I have a good Daddy, a really good Daddy.Heaven has said yes, so I agree with heaven and believe........
...."for surely I have a delightful inheritance." (Psalm 16)

2006-03-20T20:32:00.000Z

I'm at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City.
Reflections from the prayer room, pure truth that saturates and feeds my soul....

I will never die, I will be raised with Christ, This is my confidence in this life.

For He is my very great reward... forever I will be with Him... thoughts of eternity sustain me
Your love oh Lord, wins every time... every time... always.

2006-03-12T05:20:00.000Z

Have had possible the most amazing and extraordinary birthday ever.

So I wake up this morning and Holy Spirit is like, " Happy Birthday". Am totally giggling as he fills me with heaven's joy as Katherine comes across the hallway screaming "Happy Birthday!!!" Make it to the ministry centre for school of the prophets class and I'm sat in class and have to leave cos gettin totally rocked by holy spirit so end up listening outside. Continue to get rocked for the next two hours and then the entire school prays for me and start prophesying, at that point it is pretty much all over for me, i am totally undone, and this woman who was deaf has her ears popped open by jesus at the same time, oh stinkin yes!

Head home in the afternoon, quick chat to family before I am blindfolded and taken on blind tour of Detroit with Katherine. Finally we park, still blindfolded, I get out of the car, Katherine is leading me across a car park and I am totally wasted I can hardly walk. Make it into a restaurant to see all my favourite Michigan peeps. Am still wasted so much I can barely open my presents, I'm like "Holy Spirit, seriously whats going on?!" Beautiful friends bless me abundantly and then we head to church.

At church I am reminded of the sweet prescence that comes straight from the throne room, so sweet you can smell it. I am blessed further beyond measure and excitement for the future is stirred. I come home to Mummy Lolli having made seven layer dip (truly awesome) and cheescake, my favourite thing in the world ever.

I am overwhelmed, totally overwhelmed. And I am reminded that "No eye has seen nor ear heard what God has prepared for those who love him." But sometimes he gives us a glimpse, he allows us to see a tiny bit, and words just can't express it.

2006-03-07T18:42:00.000Z

Have been reflecting on what has changed since I have been in America, why I feel different and like I can breathe again, and there is a million reasons why, as God has done so much and so much has happened. I was chatting to a friend this morning and she said, "Laura, its like you have caught the wind in your sails and you are now being blown by it instead of walking into it." And that seemed to sum it up so well.

I feel wholly, completely free to be the expression of daddy on earth as he created me to be. Not defined by what I do, what others say I shouldn't be, free to be "too much, too intense, too radical, too spiritual, too strong" and all the labels that have flown my way at certain times. I am probably all these things, but that is the way daddy made me and he loves it, he loves me and he loves how I reflect him.

2006-03-05T21:13:00.000Z

Its actually all about road trips.
Road trips with awesome people are stinkin amazing, actually can't be beaten. Also American road trips definately have the edge on British ones cos you don't get stuck in traffic jams for hours and the roads are bigger and the cars are bigger so you have more space, not like going to Cornwall with four people in a metro! ( Grace and Rachele you know my pain)

Anyways, I have just returned from a weekend away, way in the north of Michigan in a place called Alpena. A friend of ours was taking part in America's Junior Miss competition to become Miss Michigan. This was my first beauty pageant and I really was quite unsure what to expect. OUr friend taking part is a beautiful, really beautiful person who is so filled with Holy Spirit and totally desires him to touch and invade the lives of the girls taking part in these pageants.

It was slightly surreal but I was completely blown away. Our friend won and now she will compete at a national level to become America's Junior Miss which will give her a platform to speak into numerous lives and may be a springboard to way bigger things. What blew me away was the way Holy Spirit was just all over it and I suddenly was challenged by the fact that he really does want his kingdom to come everywhere and that because of my preconceived ideas and agendas I limit him, I put him in a box, decide what it should look like, how he should work and what should be achieved.

My friend winning the pageant was a soverign, strategic, act of the Lord. For whatever reason he wants to use this to take her somewhere else and he wants to touch lives while she does it, and she is a totally yielded vessel and is allowing him to use her in this way. It was awesome, I was challenged.

Also stopped off at Lake Michigan on the way home, tres beautiful and ate breakfast grill things from McDonalds, pancakes wit suasage, egg and cheese, amazing, please Jesus can we have them in England.

2006-03-03T02:24:00.000Z

Ok, so I'm watching Oprah today (totally going to miss Oprah when I leave) and she is talking to this actor guy and she suddenly just goes, "Why do we not wear the crowns that have been brought for us? They've been paid for, they are just sitting there, why don't we just put them on?" And I'm like, "That's good Oprah, that's really good!".
I mean, why don't we? This is a bit of a rant but why do we as Christians walk around with a reduced sense of who we are when our crowns, that have been brought for us at the highest price possible sit unused?

We are freakin royalty. We are seated with Christ in heavenly places, all things are under our feet, every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realm is availble to us today, we get inherit the Kingdom of the king of the universe, we are co heirs with Christ, we are his bride, we get to rule with him.... and on and on and on.

It's awesome. I'm still only beginning to understand my inheritance as the daughter of the king but it just doesn't get any better then this. He is so stinkin GOOD!!
He rocks my world!!! I'm excited cos HE IS SOOOO GOOD! Like today he arranges my whole day so I get to have a date with him, like a proper date and he speaks into stuff that makes me feel really vulnerable, but shows me the root of it, shows me what I have to do to get free and totally sets me free in the space of an hour. And thats only a glimpse of how much he loves me.

And I get to be his kid. wow.

2006-02-25T18:07:00.000Z

I am beginning to see why I was put on earth, am overwhelmed and totally can't articulate it right now, it will probably spill out in the coming weeks. I'm also just being shown why I am doing this crazy walk of faith that didn't make any sense for so long and I nearly flunked out on but now all is making sense.

Its good, its rocked my world.

2006-02-20T01:05:00.000Z

Went to the pub tonight, lush, have missed it.

2006-02-15T01:45:00.000Z

I'm sat pondering stuff and wondering how to sum up whats happened in the past few days. By sunday night I was once again under my broom tree, totally wanting to give up on everything God has promised and go home, was stomping my feet like a belligerent child and telling God how tired of it all I was. Then my amazing friends pray for me and daddy goes deep and I decide that actually all is not as it seemed at that moment. Monday morning I wake up and Holy Spirit leads me to Psalm 103 which states, " He knows that we are but dust." and I am reminded that.......
I am only breathing because he says so,
and I only am because he is,
I only love because he loves me,
I can only worship him becuase he chose to reveal himself,
I only have relationship with the king of the universe because he first took the iniative and made it possible,
I only have compassion because he allows me to feel what is in his heart,
I only paint becuse he inspires me,
I only have friends becuse he gave them to me........

And suddenly I have perspective again. Yes he has a plan for me, yes he longs for me to be in the centre of it, yes he asks me to be obedient and follow him whereever he goes... but it is all because of him. Only Him, only what he has done, only what he allows, only him, all him, always him.

So the journey continues and I have no idea where it is taking me, what it looks like, tomorrow or next year but I am trusting in what he has said and what he has promised but allowing him to be God and bring it into being, and I am just along for the ride on the wings of the one who carries me.

2006-02-07T00:23:00.000Z

The last week has been characterised by Holy Spirit saying stuff and me arguing in one way shape or form I am ashamed to say. It has just served to make me realise how much I still desire to be in charge of so much of my life even though I regularly tell him he can take it all. Like for example on Saturday I spend an hour on the internet trying to work out the best flights to book to come home and head back to Nashville and nothing is working out and it turns into a logistical nightmare, literally. And afterwards Holy Spirit is like, "Are you done, cos I haven't said you can go yet?". And its not that I want to go home I just wanted control over when I did.

And then yesterday I am sat in a church meeting and Holy Spirit starts to ask me to fast my ipod for awhile because I am too dependant on it as means to meet with him. I instantly am like "no, that can't be right because I use it for holy purposes!" Ignoring him quite successfully. Last night I am sat in the bath and my ipod falls in the bath and dies, oh yes....

.... And then again I am forced to get on my face and say sorry and I feel ridiculous and I feel like I have fallen out with my best friend. And I feel ridiculous that I could ever think that I want my way and not His when His is so blatantly better and he knows what I love to do and what I need more than I do. I went to sleep last night genuinely feeling like I had been wrung out, that there was no "no's" left and I surrendered. And I felt peace for the first time in ages. And it unnerved me slightly because I am not usually one to have a battle of wills with God, but realised sometimes we battle as another part of us dies, so that he can have even more of us.

And the ipod thing was quite funny. He didn't even have to send a bolt of lightning out of the sky, he knew the ipod would be enough! I did manage to see the funny side but was already planning a funeral to help the grieving process, then Jesus in his mercy raised it from the dead today, love it, thanks daddy. (Think I still better fast it though).

2006-02-01T18:40:00.000Z

Been a wee while since I last blogged.
Top ten things that have happened recently........

1)Decided to stay in the States for a wee while longer, kind of realised I had to when Holy Spirit told me he hadn't said I could go, nice! Loving it anyway so was quite happy with the plan. Still just trusting Holy Spirit that he has it all mapped out but thats cool.

2) Discovered peanut butter and jelly, together on toast, total convert.

3) Went to my first track and field meet which was awesome but realised how unfit I am.

4) Got totally blasted at church on Saturday, Papa showed me once again just how much I am HIS kid and gives fresh vision.

5) I realise just how sovereign this time is, just how much I don't want to get in the way of what Holy Spirit is doing and how low I need to be.

6) Discovered the beauty of the pound/ dollar exchange rate when buying clothes, amazing.

7) Have become addicted to 24.

8) Had the most awesome humbling prayer time with 2 girls that I had never met before but just the most amazing people. Totally blown away.

9) Got a temporary job in a flower shop just down the road and its legal for me to earn up to $500 without a work permit. Just helping out over valentines day.Lush.

10) Can't think of any more

2006-01-24T02:50:00.000Z

Ok, so Holy Spirit teaches me today that faith is not the currency of heaven, love is.
I decide to go to Starbucks and hang with Jesus for awhile. I have a feeling before I go that there is a divine appointment waiting for me there. I'm sat listening to Bill Johnson telling me how we are made for the impossible when I see this woman walk in. She obviously has severe arthritis or a bone disorder of some kind because she is struggling to walk. As s oon as I see her I know that she is the reason Holy Spirit brought me there. I ask for a word of knowledge for her so she would know God sent me and Holy Spirit gives me one. I am just about to go over and speak to her and this irrational fear comes over me and I feel paralysed. It was weird and unlike me. Before I can gather my senses the woman has left the shop.

Disobedience because of fear sucks, totally.

Fear is not a reason to not do something Holy Spirit has told you to do.

Then HS starts speaking to me about it. "Do you see now, one of the reasons why my kingdom is not being released on the earth as it should? Because of fear. Perfect loves casts out all fear. Pray that you are so consumed with my love that there is no room for fear. If you truly had my heart for that woman, there would be no room for fear........"

Then I start to get it, "So you must seek love first and then faith. You cannot please me without faith. But faith is not the knowledge of my power but the knowledge of my love and the power of my love. faith must first be for love. Seek faith to love more, and to do more with your love. Only when you seek faith to love can I trust you with my power. Faith works by love......
You will know my father's love for me. It is a perfect love which casts out all your fears. This love will enable you to believe me so that you can do the works that I did, and even greater works ....." (in Rick Joyner's "the final quest")

Then I realised that the purpose of faith is love and without love faith cannot operate. This probably seems totally obvious but it was one of those moments where truth and revelation just hit my heart in a massive way and I am not sure I can even convey it properly.

It blew me away, I finally get it.

2006-01-18T03:11:00.000Z

Sometimes we come face to face with the dross in our own hearts and it stinks. When Holy Spirit shows it to you it feels like you have been kicked in the stomach. Yesterday I met my pride head on, was shocked that there was still so much and once again reached desperation, pleading with God to take it from me. The weird thing is, that unpleasant as this is its often the best place. Its the place where Holy Spirit can come and fill our emptyness and deal with our hearts. And I want him to deal with my heart. Its only from that place that things change.

I'm heading to Michigan tomorrow to start another phase of this crazy journey. I know this is another part of the heavenly strategy that God is ptting in place for me right now. I'm learning that faith is the currency of heaven. That it really is as simple as just believing. We just have to believe in the promises that have been spoken. There is a whole load of stuff that has been spoken from heaven, dreams and visions that are really close to my heart. The fact is is that they are unseen but they are more real that that which is seen right now. So I am learning to see into the unseen and believe for it as if it is, because it is! It is! What has been decreed in heaven will be and is already, I just have to believe for it. Faith pulls the reality of heaven down to earth. Andf its awesome.

So I'm up for it. I don't know what daddy has for me in the coming weeks but I'm excited, I just want everything that there is and more.

2006-01-09T00:13:00.000Z

I am sat in a coffe shop in nashville and it is quite London esque so I feel quite at home. I am pondering some of the stuff that God has been challenging me with over the last few days. Daddy is taking me into his ver heart, deeper than I have ever been and has shown me things close to his. I got into a discussion today with some awesome people. We started talking about global politics. Pretty quickly it got to the iraq war, the "threat" of Islam and our Christian response. Something in me started rising up, my spirit was grieved. On the way home I dscussed the issues with Mallory. We started talking about how much Daddy loves muslims, how he desires each one to come to him, that he desires each one of them, that he wants to bring them all home. pretty quickly we realised God was pouring out his heart to us for the muslim nations of the world and that his strategy is a war of love, a revival of love. I realised I need to catch more of his heart for His muslim children. When I eventually go to these people I don't want to take them Christianity. I want to take them a person, thay already have enough religion. I heard someone ask the question today, "If Jesus was walking the earth today, where would he be?" Their response was "probably Iraq". Ponder that one for a while.

Back in July, I was laid out on a grass mat in Africa and I had a vision. The vision was a woman's eyes looking through the veil of a burkha. The eyes came towards me and just at the last second they became Jesus' eyes. He desires them that is for sure, the question is will we love them like he does?

Aside from this, Nashville is awesome, the people are awesome and inspire me and challenge me and prompt me to look at things differently. I am overwhelmed by how welcome I have been made to feel. I am slightly overwhelmed.

2006-01-04T05:30:00.000Z

I am in the land of the free finally!!! The last two weeks have been the busiest of my life and I felt really ready to leave by Sunday. It all stil feels slightly surreal. I flew into Atlanta on Sunday and am now in Nashville, staying with my froend mallory and her roomate Priscilla. I love this place and the people already. Jesus is so here and he is stirring my Spirit. I feel completely dependant on Him, I still have no idea the reason why he has brought me here but I am hungry for more and I am pressing in for everything he has, I want it all, I want more of Him, there has to be more.

I am still settling in, everything is massive and noone walks anywhere which is definately different to London living. Its good though I feel peaceful and content and am resting in Daddy's arms, safe in the knowledge that he knows what he is doing. Obrigado Jesus.

2005-12-26T01:09:00.000Z

Happy Christmas everyone!

I thought I would share a few Christmas highlights and lowlights from the Hume family Christmas.............

Christmas in the Hume household started swimmingly on Christmas eve with ma and pa hume and myself putting up last minute decorections and peeling veg to the angelic voice of the King's college choir, all very beautiful. Then off to Midnight Mass an hour too early so went to the pub instead, mum should not be allowed more than one G and T. Midnight Mass poignant and made me think, alot.

Woke up Christmas morning to have the family complete as Duncan was back from the army and Alastair over from his flat. Nan and Grandpa came for lunch, really don't see them enough, turkey crisis averted as ma hume actually was interceding for it. Best Christmas lunch ever, slightly surreal moment as I looked to the floor to my left to see one of our dogs being sick and then actually eating it again while I was trying to enjoy my stuffing wrapped in bacon. I tried to suggest to Duncan that feeding her fruit juice wasn't the best idea he's ever had. What worried me more and is a certain reflection on my family is that everyone acted like it was completely normal and didn't bat an eyelid.

Present opening followed without too much trouble. Taught mum how to use her ipod, she is now very cool for school and thinks she is! Played Brain Strain and watched Jerry Maguire. Went to give my other dog a good night stroke only to find my hand covered in fox poo. Significant Christmas low point.
I think our dogs surpassed themselves to make this Christmas truly memorable.

2005-12-17T00:12:00.000Z

I was sat in my favourite restaurant on wednesday with two truly great people and we began to discuss our days. Suddenly the conversation takes a turn as it sometimes does, Holy Spirit shows up and you realise your words are definately being directed.

I started chatting about my day. I had a lady with a little terrier dog come into the centre at work. She had recently been made homeless cos she drinks too much and has a learning disability. She had come in because she wanted me to help her find an animal shelter for her dog because she was afraid Mitsy might get ill living on the strets with her owner because it is so cold at the moment. I got a glimpse into the life of this lady. She cannot read or write, when she asks someone the way, they often turn to her abusively and say, "Are you thick or something, you can read". I called the animal shelter and tears streamed down the lady's face as she consented to give her dog away, the one precious thing in her life.

A polish guy came in to chat. He has been sleeping in a park since April. He was a lawyer in Poland and here he has turned to drink because his wife left him. He turned to me and said, " Do you know what my only hope is Laura, its Jesus. He is the only one that stops me from ending it all. He met me 14 years ago but right now I am not sure even he can stop me." I looked him in the eye and pleaded with him that it is worth it, that not all hope is lost, that Jesus would meet him and rescue him and there were people that could help.

Jonny also came in on Wednesday. He has a severe mental health problem and is usually completely wasted on alcohol whenever I see him. He kept jumping the queue to see me so eventually I had to politelybut firmly tell him to come back later and close the door. For a moment I caught his eyes and suddenly they were Jesus' eyes. Something in me broke.

I also helped a lady from Nigeria phone schools for her son. She told me she was a Christian and she had been atending the local church. She also told me that she had no money and nothing for lunch that day. I pondered how it could be that someone who is part of a church family is going hungry.

I shared with my friends how these things break me. That I know I need to be able to love without restrictions. I know more than ever when I look into these people's eyes that the skills I have to offer them aren't enough. I have to offer them the Person living inside me. Then my friend pointed out that it is only when we know the brokenness of a people group and identify with them and the real needs, can we even begin to minister to them, after we have allowed God to break our hearts with the things that break his. I feel that that is what the past 2 months have been about in my job. I had to realise that my skills aren't enough, I have to give this people group my heart, allowing God to break me so He can touch them. I realised the deep work that God has been doing.

I love these people so much.

I cry as I write this. If the church in Britain truly remebered the poor ther would be no homeless people in London. I am realising social action projects and good ideas are not enough. The poor need to know a loving community who will share all thaey have with them, a powerful, loving father who can heal them and set them free, and how do they meet him? through us.

My friends and I cried as the heart of God was impressed on us as we ate desert.

2005-12-12T09:09:00.000Z

Once again God has come along and reminded me that my life is not my own and must be continually given away. Once again I am challenged about whether i really do love him more than my life, whether I do want things on his terms or mine.

He has turned everything upside down, made everything look a lot different to how I thought it would and suddenly everything is quite scary. But at the same time I wouldn't have it any other way. We encounter Him when we step out, when what we are doing looks crazy to the rest of the world but when you have heard his voice, find yourself with a mandate from heaven there is no going back, you just have to keep saying "yes" to him!

And its the most exciting, seat of your pants ride you will ever have. Suddenly I feel like I can breathe again. It is crazy, it is risky but I love my King more than I love the "well done" of the world so I am stepping out and trusting him to catch me.

2005-12-04T22:50:00.000Z

Fell in love with London again today. Notting Hill is officially my new favourite place! I got very excited as I went with my friend Daniel into THE travel bookshop, was slightly disappointed to not fing Hugh Grant inside and instead quite a quirky man. Portobello road is just full of my favourite things, cute little quirky shops with slightly overpriced things in, cool clothes shops that are that little bit too cool for school but I love, beautiful, original funky coffe shops, LOTs of english charm, quality not tacky christmas decorations, antique book shops with an old mans entire book collection, and it is full of middle class people with a little bit too much money trying to be bohemian (thats the conclusion we came to anyway).Delightful! Oh my goodness I just want to share the joy, its like its own little world in London.

Amongst the beautifulness was a slightly skechy tattoo place but then has anyone ever found a tattoo place that isn't skechy?! I finally had the tattoo done on my foot that I have been waiting ages to do, looks lovely! Far more painful than I had imagined though.

Altogether beautiful day......

2005-12-03T17:59:00.000Z

This week has been a week of questions, a week of not really understanding much but knowing that God has been living right in the centre of it all.

It has left me feeling quite vulnerable and fragile but just knowing that my heavenly Daddy holds me in the midst of it. Today God reminded me that I am not invincible, not wholly strong, not a ministry machine but that actually its ok to just be his little girl. That he much prefers that anyway. And he has gone into the deep places of my heart and sought ou the bits that are fragile and a bit painful, the bits that I so often ignore (!) and decided it might be good to deal with those. He has shown me that the desires of my heart are ok, that most of them he put there anyway.

And when I don't understand much about the day or the season that I am in he reminds me that I just have to trust the one who does know.

Wednesday night, I had an all too rare evening alone with Jesus. My house was empty so i went to my room, lit a candle, lay on the flor to just let Daddy love me. He bagan to whisper to me, lots of stuff, exciing stuff, stuff that I had known in my spirit but somehow couldn't articulate or admit that was there. He finished speaking after what felt like an age and suddenly I swung round because there was a huge flash of light behind me, I thought the room was on fire. It was intense and white and shot upwards heavenward. I don't know about you but I think I had just been visited by an angel.

2005-11-30T22:01:00.000Z

For my granny who has slipped the surly bonds of earth, put out her hand and now touches the face of God.

You inspired me more than any other.
You spoke truth to me.
You said, "It'll pass" with the assurance of wisdom when my world was crashing in.
You ate frozen trifle and said it was nice to avoid hurting a little boys feelings.
You tipped me upside down when I was aged 3 and choking on a sweet annd I could breathe again.
You told me about Jesus and never stopped praying for me and now I get the blessing because of it.
You always kept your word.
You touched everyone you came into contact with.
You were ruthlessly kind and ruthlessly fair.
You got more excited about Christmas than I did.
You let me chat for hours and never got bored.
You showed me that there is always room for hope and there is always a bright side in every situation.
You raced on an ostrich in south africa.
You lived what you believed.
You gave of yourself until there was nothing left to give.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Long time no blog, lots going on, God saying lots, not quite sure what it all means but its cool. Granny died today.
Had been expecting it but hadn't been expecting the emotion that came with it.

2005-11-14T19:01:00.000Z

I have had the most amazing weekend. Somehow on Friday I knew God was drawing me away to be with him. I was back at my parents house and I knew there was stuff God wanted to say. He did take me away to be with him.

And he showed me things that healed my soul. He showed me things about himself that I had no idea about. He took me to places I have never been and yet long to go to again. I don't know what you think about Jesus or a lot of what I write but trust me he's real, I've seen him.

And what does seeing him do? It gives me an insatiable hunger for more. Not for the experiences of him, not the miracles, not what he can give me. I just want HIM. I want to look like him, smell like him, act like him and I want to see him poured out on this earth until a whole generation cry out to him and know his name. I need more Jesus, more of you, more of your prescense, I'm starving crying out for more, and I won't stop until you come......

We will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Just open up the gates and allow the king of glory to come in.

2005-11-09T23:12:00.000Z

Just went to see a film that totally helped me regain all perspective after a couple of days that were really quite challenging in quite a few ways.

I went to see "Elizabethtown" with Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom. Was expecting the usual dose of girlyness and cheese and actually found a comment on the fact that selling all for the corporate really does make you die inside and life is totally about the living.

Orlando Bloom ends up going on a road trip across the southern states of the US to regain the relationship with his dead father that he never had.

Some things just are not important and some things really are and how often do the things that we hold on tightest to really need dropping out the window as you drive. I think this evening reminded me of the things that need dropping out of the window.............. and reminded me about dancing in the rain sometimes on your own............

Kirsten Dunst makes the comment that she has spent most of her life asleep. I guess I remembered that my raison d'etre is to follow the one who makes me fully alive and enjoy him forever.

2005-11-04T13:44:00.000Z

Am having the most chilled beautiful day ever. Quite a lot has happened this week, as ever!

1. I got the job that God created just for me at a homeless project in the ease end of London and I basically get to love prostitutes and homeless people all day and I start on Monday.

2. I have discovered my new favourite place. Its a little restaurant/coffee shop called Camden Kitchen and it is slightly quirky, beautiful food, very atmospheric and does two for one cocktails between 6 and 8, excellent.

3. I learnt that to love is to risk and God showed me something of what he feels daily when we don't receive his love for us.

4. I learnt that we really do under estimate the divine strategy for our lives.

5. I am listening to the lushest chilled out, raw worship ever which reminds me of my friend Rachele dancing with Jesus on the sand dunes at Gwithian beach. Its a band called Enter the Worship Circle and the album is "The Second Circle".

6. My friend Emma came to stay and I remembered how with great friendships you really can catch up on 6 months and its still as beautiful as when you last saw each other.

7. I saw Vic Reeves in Covent Garden just hanging out.

8. Realised Jesus really does want to be with me more than I want to be with him, and when I ask him to come be with me he lays out the challenge, "Will you come be with me? Will you go where I am going? Will you pay what I paid? Will you trust me enough to come with me? Will you come deeper?" Do we want to pay the price of intimacy. Intimacy with the creator of the universe is dangerous!

Am off to Southampton tomorrow.

2005-10-29T13:33:00.000Z

Have had a very lazy saturday morning, its now half two and I am still in my pyjamas but sometimes it is all about coffee, the saturday papers and catching up with yourself after a manic and quite eventful week.

Feel like some processing is in order. I think I feel a bit like elijah did (a prophet in the old testament) after everything had kicked off, he'd seen loads of miraculous stuff and then he sat down tired under a broom tree and felt a bit hacked off! Some pretty extraordinary things have happened this week, particularly a meeting I had in Vibe bar on Brick Lane, the heart of the east end, with some guys who also feel like God is stirring something in the east end of London. It was one of those moments when you know God has planned this way before he ever told you about it! He is raising up a whole community who feel like they need to move to Bethnal Green. It blows me away that the place he whispered to me while faffing about in my room in Mozambique, that I didn't even know was in London, he has actually been speaking to others with really similar hearts and visions. Very exciting. It does humble me slightly, an amazing woman I have met has been dreaming of God in the east end for 8 years now and is only beginning to see stuff stirring.

This week has also been about pondering with God and working through a failed relationship and realising sometimes its not about asking why, that it really is worth risking your heart for love but fighting the cynicism that can crash in when the result isn't quite what you were expecting. It leaves you feeling fragile and a bit weird. At the same time its feeling safe in the knowledge that Jesus knows more than anyone else what its like to put yourself out there for love and it not quite work out the way you first envisaged.

I also know that the broom tree feeling is also because I know that I am on the brink of something cool, another bit of the jigsaw to be fitted into place.

Anyway, now I have vented I'm off to Camden to spend some time with me and Jesus in a beautiful coffee shop and mull over some more........

2005-10-26T22:16:00.000Z

Have just returned from southampton, quite tired after a fairly eventful few days. Everything has gone officially crazy in the last couple of weeks, God keeps showing up. First my rent turns up two days before it has to be paid incash as a special delivery from Heaven, then I visit a friends church and chat to a small group about my experiences in Mozambique and then people get healed and delivered of stuff....... then I ask God for a sign about my job situation, 10 minutes after asking I get a phone call from the job that has taken six weeks to give me an interview. These are the outward, obvious things but God has given me a hunger for him like I have never known.

This expresses it totally.

A cry lies within us in the depth of a place we cannot touch
waiting to escape the enclosed gates of our expression.
Something is happening inside of us beyond what we can articulate
so we respond
we respond to you Jesus
In your pure light I have come out of the shadow's of darkness
You alone are the one who can satisfy
seeping into every vacant space inside of me
Reality in you, in me, in you
I try to imagine forever and at a certain point my brain stops
but that's just you, forever being, forever existing, forever knowing,
you, before there was anything, anyone, you
and after evryhting there was is no more, you.
My thoughts cannot even fully comprehend you
so whatever praise my thoughts begin my spirit has to complete.
And every time I take in a breath I discover you
That the same breath I am breathing originated inside of you
So I breathe you in, because you take me in Jesus.
In your pure light I have come out of the shadows of darkness
You alone satisfy, seeping into every vacant space inside of me
Try to imagine forever.
That's you, forever being, forever existing, forever knowing, you.
Before there was anything, anyone. you. After everthing there was is no more.
And everytime I take ina breath
every time I take in a breath
I discover you.
I breathe you in because you take me in, we breathe you in because you take us in,
to be still and agree that you are God.
(Amena Brown)

My heart cries out for more. There has to be more. There is more and its all ours for the taking and receiving, I'm asking.

2005-10-16T21:03:00.000Z

Has been a while since I last blogged and loads has happened since then.

Saw Lemar larging it amongst the tie racks in Marks and Spencers off Oxford Street, totally bizarre.
Went to Cornwall had the best week ever with some of the most beautiful people ever on possibly the most beautiful beach ever. lots of pasties, cream teas, cornish brew, surfers and God encounters. The beach we were on was the place where the first Christians were martyred after the gospel was brought to england, a real thin place and place of spiritual significance. St Ives bay now definately rates in my top five favourite places on earth.
Went to a conference in Exeter, was completely blown away by God and heard a quote that totally sums it up, "Be a blessing to the masses but run with the radicals".
Went back to London to hand out ice cream in Harrods.

Had an interesting discussion today with a friend and have been pondering it. I said that I had come to the conclusion that the closer you get to true Christianity, true Christlikeness, the stranger it looks to the world and much of the church. After I said it I wondered if that was a bit off the wall but realised it is actually probably true. Jesus himself was rejected by the religious systems of his day and was crucified by them, his early followers and still today in different parts of the world, were and are persecuted by them and made social outcasts. So often we in the church wonder why we are not persecuted...................

Bit of a rant.

2005-09-23T16:21:00.000Z

The first few days in London have been lush, partly due to a beautiful visit from Helen who reminded me of everything I had learnt while I was away and that I really can believe God for the same things here. I've decided I definately need to chill out and don't have to try and save the entire world tomorrow! So quickly I lose the joy of just being by getting totally stressed out about what I feel like I should be doing, when 99% of the time I think God would rather I just was and not doing.

Had a beautiful "day of joy" yesterday. Picnic on Hampstead Heath which is beautifully near to where I live and then went to see "Pride and Prejudice" and remembered why Jane Austen is definately one of my heroes, her sarcasm and irony is genius. I'm not sure if the guy playing Mr Darcy totally cut it but it was good.

The job situation is also progressing which is a relief. I think I am going to locum for awhile while I wait on what God is saying. Seems like a plan. Am learning lots.

2005-09-19T10:44:00.000Z

I can't believe I am actually moving tomorrow. Its awesome when I think about it. From something God whispered when I was balling my eyes out on a grass mat in Mozambique to watching him open door after door for me to move to London and watching as the whole thing unfolds. It still does feel a little like I am flying by the seat of my pants slightly but it wouldn't be right if it didn't.

There is still a whole load of question marks like a job for a start! Somehow though I have this deep seated feeling that that too is already sorted, that it will be ok and all is as it should be on his timetable and schedule for me right now. It will be interesting to see what the next few weeks hold!

Gonna run, haven't started packing yet.

2005-09-14T23:15:00.000Z

We confuse the sensational with the supernatural, the supernatural is not always sensational.

I was listening to this guy at my friend's church in Nashville tonight and he came up with this gem that I have been pondering since my return from mozambique. I had been mulling over the testimony that I have ben giving since being back, and the natural thing, and most understandable, that people ask about is the miracles, heaven, angels etc. One particular day, I was with some friends and I found myself not really wanting to talk about this stuff anymore, like somehow it wasn't necessary.

I ended up reflecting to a friend, that I think the most supernatural thing God did while I was away was teach me a little bit more of what it is to love the unlovely and those who don't love me back. This is certainly not sensational in any way, but for God to turn a little bit more of my stone heart to flesh truly is the work of the supernatural.

The testimony of the miracles etc is just as important however because God must receive the glory for it all. This is possibly a bit heavy but I am doing a lot of thinking through at the mo, what does all this mean here, in the west? How can I be the fragrance of Jesus in my new house, new job, in London? "Your kingdom come, Your will be done in London as it is in heaven"

Bring it on!

ps James Blunt nearly made me cry in a shop today, how sad am I!

2005-09-12T14:53:00.000Z

Have decided to create a new blog, the name of the old one alone suggested that it might be slightly out of date!

will post soon...........